ICE, Wind Street
Only been in here whilst clean off it but from what I can recall it is the type of place where Gary Glitter would be in his element.
Verdict: 6.7 JR

Update (22/5/2002) Here are some further amusing comments received about ICE bar. To be fair, since the above was written ICE has changed big time. It is now twice the size that it was and on weekends has pole dancers for your viewing pleasure and on weekdays has vacant poles for you Sam Tan impressions. Well worth checking out!:
"I think that u should go in club ICE and comment on the tits on the poles the tits behind the bar and the tits on the dance floor!!!" David Player

Update (20/2/2002) Here are some comments received from DJ Quicky about the ICE review. I have not been there for ages so he is probably correct and I did hear on the train back from Orient that one of the pole dancers slipped and fell off the pole during her set a few weeks back so it might be worth a gander:
" I think that your review of the Ice bar on Wind street needs Urgent Updating as Its Is now been extended to include a new dance floor area with resident DJ Quicky playing some of the most up to date dance and pop tunes accompanied by what can only be described as the hottest sexiest fittest thong wearing pole dancers in Wales (see em to believe it) on a Thursday through to Sunday Nights and from 15th march until 1a.m. also live singers on selected nights, that toped off by the Palace garage nights and other special events upstairs Sorry to say that Mr Gadd would not like it in here now as he may find it a bit busy on the weekends but who am I to say I Just work there. Check It out for your self."
Steve Quick (DJ Quicky) I.C.E.

The Toad, Wind Street
I have only graced the place with my presence twice - once on a Sat night and once at 3.49 on a Sat afternoon for lunch with SS.
I wouldn't recommend a visit after dusk as from what I saw there were too many wedding rings and grey hair on display and repeat plays of 'YMCA' and other 80's classics isn't really my cup of char.
Despite this, the menu is pretty varied including things like Morrocan Chicken and Panninis and the portions are big and good value so is worth a visit during the day.
Verdict: 7.5JR

SA1 Bar, Wind Street
UPDATE April 2004: Since the below review was written the pub has now changed its name but the prices, music and clientel have basically remained the same so this isn't really much of an update I suppose. It's also become popular with postmen too.
Yet another bloody chain pub which means cheap lager, 2 meals for a fiver and blah blah blah. This pub is usually packed at weekends with Valley boys and the Barons crowd (i.e over 40's) but it is worth a visit during the week as due to the cheap ale and no music policy it tends ot attract some of the local nutters and war hereos plus....it is now the infamous Magoo's local! Yes, it's true, since his banning from the Potters Wheel Magoo has been spotted here plying his unique trade of buying 2 pints at a time, abusing the staff, shouting random sentances and deafening the pub each time he talks.
Verdict: 8.1 GZ

The No Sign Wine Bar, Wind Street
Probably the oldest bar on Wind Street and one of Dylan Thomas' old haunts.The decor has probably not changed much since his day but the clientel and price list most certainly has. The bar is now backed onto/combined with Indigo and as a result tends to attract a mixed crowd from seasoned wine conniseurs, American poetry fans through to 'serious' clubbers.
Verdict: 7.7JR

Indigo, Wind Street
A cuban/mexican/peurto rican - I dont fucking know styled trendy bar. A haven for stunning birds and punters who are only just the right side of drinking age. This is known for selling absynth (the 70% stuff which is not legal to buy in britain and not the watered down version you can get in Tescos) and absynth cocktails. You are only allowed 2 shots of absynthe per night as they stamp your hand to show this, and at 4 fucking quid a shot you wouldnt want more than 2. I tried one of the cocktails they do and it was
the most foul tasting mixture of RANCID BROTH I have ever had the mispleasure of consuming, they must realise it tastes like filth as they put egg white and caramalized sugar into to try to prevent you from hurling after taking the first sip of this elixir of swampshit, I dread to think what it would have tasted like otherwise. Teabags bath water would probably taste better. Apart from that a fairly good joint atmosphere wise and the music is of the cuban/mexican/ peurto rican variety. An outdoor patio is also a feature of the place and is the order if the day when crowded inside, the weather is
hot and so are the chicks. Rather expensive prices and a lack of space are the down side.
Verdict: 7.8 GZ

Subterania, Wind Street
If you've just had your 30th birthday and need to get severely laid, Subterania, after pub closing is where you need to pack up your dunkies and head to. The first thing you will notice is that the place is underground, and smells like my bathroom when the central heating packed up in the middle of Winter. Musty smells aside, the place is a pretty groovy cellar, with copius tea lights, giving the place the look and feel of a mid 80's bachelors bedroom who has watched 9 and a half weeks once too often. The clientel? A mixture of resonably well off 40-50 year old lusty divorcees/adulteresess with newly found freedom looking for young meat! Like I said, good for your 30th birthday, even if its the second time you've celebrated it.On the whole a great place, but very hit and miss!
Verdict: 8.0DA

Flanagans, KIngsway/St Helens Road
Situated just across the road from Spoofers nitespot. Flanagans is meant to be a restaurant with a late license. This comes in handy on Sundays as the bar stays open until midninght. Beware of the tine pokey little stairs that lead up to the bar as there is just about enough room to walk sideways up them. Usually this is a haven for dreggs and slappers who just do not know when to call it a night and go home to their 1 bedroom flats in Mayhill.Good prices at the bar if you can get to it as it is usually very busy.
Verdict: 7.7 MH

Spoofers, Kingsway
A club located on the Kingsway roundabout. This club is unique in the fact that the whole of one side is windows and you can see out onto the town centre. A decent enough venue, but not an overly popular one. Lets face it the only time I general(zod)ly go there is if I've hit the pubs in jeans and then decided to go clubbing. Not exactly a whole host of choices on a Saturday night if you have jeans on as it is either Spoofers or the delightful Rocket (what a fucking choice eh!!). Expect the usual high prices and selection of chart (s)hits. An essential club if for some bizarre and inexplicable reason you want to know the time in New York, Tokyo and many other such worthless hovels of cities as there are loads of clocks all over the place. They also show videos a la You've Been Framed constantly on a big screen, and lets face it when looking for a good club you always go for the one showing mishap videos dont you............NOT!!
Verdict: 7.1 GZ

The Potters Wheel, Kingsway
Another Wetherspoons pub and therefore another very cheap and music free venue. You can get 2 double vodkas and a can of red bull for around a fiver, so excellent scenes and a pub you can get wasted in cheaply. Grub is also favourable with the fiscally disadvantaged and you can get 2 meals for a fiver also. Oddly named guest beers are the fare of the day in this joint. Names
such as blunderbuss (named because this is the effect it has on your arse when you next take a dump) and reverend haddocks
third nipple are commonplace. Attempt not to prance about behind the bar or throw glasses all over the shop as this is likely to get
you barred.
Beware the regulars who include Magoo, a veteran of the battle of little big horn who wears glasses as thick as SS and looks like a retard in a raincoat
He stands against a pillar and is known to omit irregular shrieks and muttering utter bollocks to himself and makes very peculiar arm movements like tommy cooper used to before he kicked the bucket (wont be long for magoo now either)
Verdict: 8.1 GZ

Time, Kingsway
The biggest club in Wales is situated on the Kingsway and is kind of the kindergarten of clubs for virgin beginner clubbers. This is where most of the teenagers go and it is packed on a Saturday night. A very expensive club as you will be lucky to get a bottle for less than £3. So before you venture into this den of extortion ensure you arrange a small bank loan prior to making your presence felt here. A very large club which is very impressive until you have had 146 nights out there and become a little jaded with the surroundings, but until then you will be loving it loving it loving it.
Plenty of room to wander and stagger about in your inebriated state. The bouncers are quite funny as well with their quotes. The best one is when you are queueing up to go in, so ensure that when you near the door you have your hands in your trouser snake adjusters. Then wait and you will hear the words "Aaarnddsss owt aya pockets gents" uttered forth in a broad Cockney accent and you will guffaw your pants off.
Verdict: 7.8 GZ

Jumpin Jaks, Kingsway
A club right in the heart of clubberland on the Kingsway. A theme club which is more like being in fucking Butlins than in a club. When you go in all the staff are dressed up as cowgirl/boy type characters and when there is nobody to serve at the bar - all the bar staff have to get up on the bar and dance along to the inevitable range of chart bollocks - what a shamer eh??. I have been told that the staff here have compulsory dancing lessons each week to keep up their high standard of prancing about. To be brutally honest they are about as talented as Boyzone were dancing on that Gay Byrne irish programme that you laugh your tits off at on 'Before They Were Famous'with Angus Deayton. The club is very expensive which is in line with most of the other clubs in the area. They have tribute bands on stage regularly who almost always massacre the originals. The last time I was there and I was sober enough to remember the act there was an Abba tribute singer onstage. I have to admit that they were fucking abysmal and were about as good as Cilla Black on a bad day (now that is bad!!!)
Verdict: 7.4 GZ

Jubilees, Northampton Lane
An ABSOLUTE DEFINATE SUCCESS!
Verdict: 9.13 Mark Ferry

O'Neills, Kingsway
An Irish pub in the middle of the Kingsway, which attracts people on lunch hours from the numerous surrounding banks and building societies, so expect the clientelle to be a bunch of bankers of the highest order. A pub in the style of the old Rovers Return from Coronation.St. with lots of 'snug' type areas for a bit of privacy. Dont expect to see Ena Sharples or Ken Barlow debating t' price of t'hotpot and t' price of t' jaffa cakes thou knose. The service is excellent as when you are coming to the end of your drink the bar
staff come over and ask if you want another drink and get it for you as well. Reasonable prices and traditonal Irish food is on the menu. A starting off pub and not really a wild night type of pub
Verdict: 8.0 GZ

Cafe Mambo, Kingsway
Cocktail heaven and another South American themed bar (owned by the same people who run Indigo and are from Penclawdd). Loads of different types of cocktails on offer here and you can either buy a single cocktail or varying sized pitchers full of the easy to drink, but ultimately thoroughly intoxicating colourful mixtures. This is primarily a restaurant as the bar section is very small and the eating part a lot bigger. The food here is excellent and the atmosphere is also very good. The prices are rather expensive, but an occasional visit here for drinks is likely to be on the cards as there is no bar like it in Swansea. When the weather is good the windows fold back and you can sit outside and have your drinks. You can also buy expensive Cuban cigars here, Long Island Iced Tea, Multiple Screaming Orgasm etc they do the lot. It is a good idea to get 2 or more different types and try new ones out. So next time you've got a big pair of jugs in your hands you may be in Cafe Mambo or you may not - you just dont know
Verdict: 8.2 GZ

Rocket Nightclub, High Street
A club in the dodgy part of Swansea which blends in perfectly with the sheer lack of class of the surrounding massage parlours and smelly tramps.
Upon entering you will initially be overwhelmed by the stench of piss and BO from all the metal/goth dudes and dudesses who frequent the joint.
The music is pretty good if you are into Heavy Metal and Indie but the volume is not high enough for this type of music and is begging to be cranked up several notches. Prices are fairly cheap and you can turn up looking like teabag and you will be the best dressed person there. Mostly blokes here and not exactly a plethora of stunning beauties, in fact more like a gathering of boilers/wenches in metal t-shirts and fucking blokes with painted nails... yeeuucchh!!! avoid the bogs at all costs as you usually need a
fcking snorkel and flippers to swin through the 3 foot of piss and do not drink beer on tap, stick with the cans/bottles/spirits. I need say no more...
Verdict: 5.5 GZ

Quadrant Gate, Quadrant
Due to it's City centre location and the Bus station being located nearby this pub can be the setting of some interesting scenes. Aswell as the incident with the Rocking Sikh, this pub was also the venue where some bloke tried to sell us a 1997 williams renault watch in 1999 claiming it unique and from the 1999 season and went berserk when we didnt want it and was also the venue of Marco's short lived rock career ; one night Marco decided to
get up and dance in front of the empty pub to some dodgy band singing over tape music and later bought the 'guitarist 'a pint of guiness and performed some dirty dancing with some 63 year old fossil - Amusing scenes indeed! A good place for a lunchtime drink or a last pint before you catch the bus. They also serve decent
food too and best of all, it is ROCK night each Friday!
Verdict: 7.3 JR

Eli Jenkins
Pub who's name is taken from the famous, bizzare Dylan Thomas play 'Under Milkwood'. Name aside, unfortunately the pub bears no similarity to Llareggub in decor nor does it pay host to any familiar characters but it is ok for a lunctime drink whilst shopping and for a bite to eat and has a big screen to watch the ball game on. Also the Carling doesnt taste like coloured pigeon piss unlike most pubs in the City Centre.
Verdict: 8.1 JR

Top Banana
"I have to say i think you should do a review of Top Banana on a sat night/ sunday morning it is the best place I have found for the after club session (apart from karate club). We leave newport and head for evolution every sat and somehow we get drawn to swansea please give it a mention !!" Carli

Well there you have it! The last time i was in there however it was like the world wrestling federation royal rumble as the bouncers from around swansea elbow dropped, gauged, smashed each other over the heads with pool cues and generally brawled with each other - much to the bemusement of the smashed clientel. I have not been there since but if people are travelling from beyond the Eastern Bloc to go there it must be pretty good.
Verdict: 8.086 JR