"Now that we have taken care of those pesky, meddling divers we do what we like you lobster scum!"

"Fucking a right homeboy! Lets snare some more of the crusty types Captain!"

"They may have won this battle but they will not win the war!"

"Slip Sliding onto the scene, let's rock and fucking roll cradle of death style "

18/6/01 - It's going off down Shell harbour
Lobster wars have broken out off the Gower Coast.

There have been fights between fishermen and pleasure divers (rumoured to be lead by Teabag Pete) and allegations of the delicacy being clawed from pots.

Police today warned those involved they could face prosecution.

The problem was highlighted by the South Wales Sea Fisheries Committee, which has also had to contend with cockle wars in the past.

South Wales Police Wildlife liasion officer Jason Watkins said it was important the legitimate activities of commercial fishermen, who derived their livelihood from the sea, were protected.

"Diver interference with fishing gear could constitute an act of criminal damage and the removal of lobsters from fishing pots constitutes an act of theft, which we will not hesitate to take action against.

"Fishermen are encouraged to report activities to us and not to take direct action," he said.

South Wales Sea Fisheries Committee director Phil Coates said it was important divers recognised the need to respect conservation regulations.

"Most divers are highly responsible and prefer to see marine life, including lobsters, left in their natural environment," he said.

"However, there will always be some who will not comply with the conservation regulations."

When quizzed by undercover Patagonian Police frogmen in the Quadrant Bus Station whilst collecting 'Wham' bar wrappers from the bins, Teabag Pete had only the following to say "well Captain Codpiece, Seaman Stains and the rest of his rent a mob may have won this battle but they better watch out because I'm not the only person with a crap beard involved in this!"

Curiously, earlier today, General Bob Slipon Zod a veteran and hero of the Cockle Wars has been sighted polishing the bell on his craft and there were rumours circulating in Cockleland that Zod intends to launch a blitzkreig style attack on somebody.

Interesting scenes indeed. Watch this space.....